It has been 8 years since my diagnosis. Living with a mental health disorder has given me a different outlook on life. I look at it from a different lens altogether. Having empathy and compassion, a gift I always say that God gave me together with this condition. If anyone were to ask me about mental health prior to my diagnosis, I would have concurred with the many myths that we hear and often portrayed inaccurately in the media. Films, dramas, music videos, songs, often stereotype those with mental health disorders being dangerous, violent or unpredictable, in contrary to the depth of what we experience and the challenges that we go through as human beings, negating the truth that many do recover, lead normal lives and become successful too, hence deeply reinforcing stigma and these negative perceptions of society.
I wasn’t always this way. Once upon a time ago, I thought I was invincible. I had everything going on for me. I was doing well in my career, doing my MBA, I had two beautiful children and a supportive husband by my side. I was travelling the world with them and was in the best of health, at least I thought.
Thinking back as a kid, I gotanxious a lot. Little things would seem unsurmountable and I would worry a lot. Although I did well in school and was an active kid with lots of friends, these thoughts would constantly bother me.
I still remember how and when I started having conflicting thoughts and values and wondered why I was different. I would feel like the odd one out and question myself as to why I didn’t conform.
I had so many big questions with no answers and these thoughts would disturb me so much, but being a kid, I would brush it all aside. I didn’t feel comfortable expressing it to my parents, nor did l know it wasn’t normal. As I grew up, these overwhelming thoughts and anxiety would creep up, and it would go depending on what I did or what happened in my life. When I started working in the US, this was when the panic attacks started happening due to the much trauma and stress that I was experiencing during the time. It slowly caught up and I could no longer brush it off. When I came back to Malaysia, I started experiencing panic attacks again until one day, 8 years ago, I could no longer manage nor overcome it anymore.
When I was first diagnosed, l was very lost and confused about what I was experiencing. I didn’t know how or where to seek help in the beginning, I didn’t know of anyone who had the condition and I obviously didn’t even know that mental health challenges could really cripple you if you did not receive the necessary treatment, help and support required
I was that person who would never ask for help, not even from my own mom. I felt weak and embarrassed to do so. Hence, when I came back to Malaysia, while working and doing my MBA concurrently, while mothering two small children required a lot of my attention and energy which took a toll on me. I became overwhelmed but continued hustling due to the perfectionism in me and the ego that I had of succeeding and achieving my KPls, that I forgot to take care of myself.
The thing is, when you are young, you think you’re invincible. You rarely fall sick, thinking you’re strong, hence you keep pushing. I kept telling myself that I could handle it but eventually with not getting enough sleep, rest and taking care of myself, my brain and body collapsed. When it happened, I wasn’t prepared for it obviously, and it hit me like a tornado and I crumbled. I lost functionality in life, feeling that there was no way out.
I fell into a deep dark hole feeling disconnected, isolated, empty and alone. I was crying a lot, I felt really trapped and hopeless. I didn’t understand it and I didn’t know what to do. I could no longer take care of my kids nor my husband, I couldn’t work, drive, see other people, I became afraid of everything. I was in the house, but not able to be alone.
My panic cycles were vicious, that on some days, even breathing became difficult.
To sum it up, I felt very defeated. After everything, here I was, feeling crippled by my own anxiety, fear and panic, it is as if; your brain tries to kill you. I remember pushing everyone away, especially my kids. I was so embarrassed of my condition and I felt like a burden to everyone. I felt guilty for not being able to function and felt hopeless with excruciating psychological pain. Every day felt like a slow and painful death.
One day, sitting at my usual spot in the house, suddenly it hit me as to why people end their lives. It gives you a sense of comfort and hope that the pain will end. It shocked me that I could relate to this, and I immediately went upstairs to pray, not because I’m religious but because when I’m in the state of helplessness and hopelessness, that is the only thing that provides me peace and hope. I told God that I didn’t understand His plan. Ya Allah! I know that you have promised us that YOU wouldn’t give us something beyond what we can bear, but at this current moment, I can’t bear this, hence I beg YOU to please grant me patience, and please show me a way out.’
And this was how I finally surrendered myself completely to Allah SWT, for the first time in my entire existence.I then pulled everyone closer to me again. I stopped questioning and complaining about my condition, which eventually the anger kicked in and together with the strength that I got from my kids, husband and mom, was how I found my willpower and strength to fight this condition and beat it. They are all my reasons.
REFLECTION
Having a mental health disorder is the hardest thing that I have ever experienced in my 30 plus years of living, hands down, but crossing over to recovery was even harder. Through my many rock bottoms and experience in this journey to finally finding my willpower and strength through surrendering totally to Allah SWT and seeking knowledge, getting treatment and support, I finally could stand on my own two feet again Alhamdulillah. I finally understood the lessons that l had to learn and that without HIM, I was nothing and that I was completely at HIS mercy.
The journey with my mental disorder has taught me never to take life for granted anymore. Never in a million years did I imagine that I could regain normal functioning and lead a quality life, what more being here talking to all of you. It has been such a surreal journey for me and I feel very blessed and thankful and I hope that I am everyday a better person because of this.
AFTER RECOVERY
After crossing over to recovery, my husband suggested for me to go public with my condition in hopes to be able to help others that are struggling alone and in silence. As many are aware, stigma continues to be the biggest barrier to mental health. Because of this, many don’t seek for help, hence struggle alone and in silence.
The conceptualization and birth of MIASA Malaysia, the Mental Illness Awareness & Support Association happened in 2017 due to the realisation of the many gaps that exists in the mental health system and how many continue to be silenced by stigma and discriminated daily. With hopes and aspiration to work for change, l formed MIASA Malaysia, with the support of my husband, my family, friends and many silent heroes. MIASA Malaysia is a Mental Health advocacy and Peer Support group based in Selangor formed and run by peers for peers, the very first of its kind in Malaysia. The hope is via this platform, people would have a place to go, a safe space for them to get help, be supported and empowered in their journey to recovery.
One of the things that I’ve realised during my struggles is; knowing that there are others struggling too and the fact that you are not alone in this journey, makes this world less lonely, and it provides you hope.
And that is enough to make you hold on and work through your struggles, issues and pain, even if some days it might feel unbearable.
This is what I hope to achieve for others via this platform and community that we have formed via MIASA Malaysia. We must work towards a more inclusive society with full and equal participation and access for people with mental health disorders with zero stigma and no person left behind.
This year, the world has changed immensely. This pandemic hit has impacted the mental health of many, people feel anxious, trapped, tired, angry, frustrated, scared while many have fallen into depression, having anxiety disorder, panic disorder, PTSD, suicide risks have increased with contributing factors ranging from loss of jobs, source of income, loss of loved ones and more.
Despite these challenges, it has created much opportunity for us to talk about mental health in a big way and to normalize this discussion, taking away the shame and stigma attached to mental health and those with the condition. Hence, we have seen an increase in help seeking behavior and mental health literacy. Many too have developed empathy and compassion because today more people experience mental health struggles. Many Malaysians have come together collectively to help and act in this time of need, and to me this is the silver lining that is much appreciated amidst this chaos. And although being in this pandemic has impacted my mental health too like everyone else, I am able to manage it better because I understand better now.
If I may lend some lessons that I have learned in this ongoing journey, my message of hope is this – those of you that are struggling with any kind of mental health disorder, please know that you are NOT ALONE and that YOU CAN RECOVER. I know this, becausel am a person with lived experience and I am living proof together with the thousands of others out there who are living life to the fullest; happily married, having kids, successful in their studies and career, running their own businesses, getting their PhDs and more. Don’t allow stigma to silence you and rob you from your recovery and your life. You can thrive in this journey with your mental health condition just like anyone else. It will come at your own time, at your own pace.
You see, desperation is something I know all too well. You might feel like you are drowning at times, but if you can trust me on this, hang on to something, find your anchor, find one person to help you go through this life, because THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, even when the path seems dark and you feel like giving up.
Indeed, sometimes you may feel tired, sometimesit just takes so much from us and your brain will constantly trick you in making you believe otherwise, don’t let it have that control, take your power back and never GIVE UP.
Every time you fall, get back up and fight even harder.
You got this.
I believe in you.
With Love and Solidarity,
Anita Abu Bakar
President & Founder of MIASA Malaysia
